five minutes to save the world.

to going against the grain, going insane, going mad.

When I was young, I thought that everything and anything was either right or wrong--you know, black or white. To me, there was no gray, because gray would cause confusion and conflict, and that was just not necessary. Wouldn't the world work like that... where there's only good and bad, and the bad things would know that they're bad?

As I grew older, I realized that this wasn't the case. You know. People have different opinions on what's right. Does the ends justify the means? Does the means justify the ends? Simple things like that.

If you and I don't agree on something, is it my obligation to try to persuade you into believing what I think? Do I owe it to myself or society to make you see my side? Or, does society just rest on knowing that people have different opinions? And doesn't want any more of that. It is just satisfied with that fact?

What's and where's the line?

It came across to me that no one has actually tried to make that part clear, yet.

This place we live in. Bad people don't actually think that they're doing bad. Nor, do bad people go around screaming, "LOOK AT ME. I'm the bad guy!" It just doesn't work like that. Which, makes me question the world in how we think and decipher things like this.

From my 19 years of living on this sheltered world, and (most likely the results of) being born into as the younger girl of an older brother... I've learned that the only way to have your voice heard, is to be persuasive.

The art of the debate, I guess.

As lame as that sounds, I feel like the most successful people in the world are those who are the most articulate. And also, the people who can give out the most compliments. In the most humble and sincere way possible, whether truthfully or not. Charismatic. Which leads to being forgiven.

Most of the time, I argue because I know I'm right and I want the other side to see it, logically. (Cocky right?) But, to me, I feel like it's regressive if people make nice and just accept what people say. You know, I don't see the point of being apathetic, when you can clearly have an opinion, etc.

I think it's a love/hate type of thing. People don't want to be told when they're doing something wrong. But, they don't want to be seen in the eyes of others, as being wrong.

It's a messed up crazy thing for me to try to put my foot into. But whatever. It's done.

I feel as if you've hit rock bottom when you just don't care anymore.
Is that right?

...

If I don't get Dean's List this semester I might actually kill myself.

we won't stop until somebody calls the cops.

Life's been such a hot mess. I feel like I'm in one of those drug commercials. You know the one where the guy is standing in his bedroom and everything is happening around him. He's in a daze, but somehow, life is still going on.

That's me right now.

Half the crap that's going on around me seems worthless for me to bother with. I'm barely managing to get anything worth-while done. I just want to get the fuck out of Lehigh and be done with college. I'm so over it.

I just don't care. No. Screw that. I do care. But. It's complicated??

Also what the hell is up with Lehigh being ranked #1 in the country in Accounting? Thanks a lot. That helps me so much with my Finance and SCM degree. Ugh, why do I suck at life? More importantly, why do I suck so much at accounting. I mean, there would absolutely be no question to me majoring in it, if I was good. It wouldn't phase me a bit even if I absolutely hated it. #1 ranking is still a #1 ranking. But nope. Not only do I hate it, I also suck at it. haha I guess that solves my question of ever being an accounting major. Boo on not getting my $45+ grand worth of a Lehigh business degree.

killing in the name of love.

I've just been contemplating a bunch of things. Friends. Decisions. Life. I don't know. I've just been so on edge about everything... even though there's more important things that I should be focusing on. I mean, I guess in the greater scheme of things, they're more important. But when does my sanity come before something else? But, that's just it... the stupid stuff is getting me sidetracked.

What to do? I miss my friends. Boys are lame. I'm so sick of Lehigh. I have to start eating coke sandwiches.

Uggh. just upset. about. life.

'cause you're, like, the coolest person I've ever met, and you don't even have to try, you know.

Permanent vacation or am I just running away from life. Peter Pan Syndrome. I started spring semester this week so enthusiastically and excited but still subconsciously want to drop out because I can't stay in PA for longer then a month without losing my mind. I consistently search for new friends that are amazing, fun, real, simple and contribute to me being a better person. Life is all about learning (right?) you never stop.

I have a ritual of caring/obsessing way too much about what people think of me, and as a result, end up basically hating myself for every little thing that I do. I absolutely refuse to fail at anything because I'm terrified of letting people see me fuck up. The daydreamer in me is always optimistic, but I'm always consciously aware of reality, and there-lack-of.

I don't trust many people because I hate it when someone has power over me. That's why I act so exclusive half the time. I don't accept new people into my group or whatever. I am always the one who is stubborn and will most likely still be bff with the people I grew up with. I believe in loyalty til death. But it doesn't mean I don't have many acquaintances or people who think they're better friends with me than they really are.

I think my personality is self-destructive. I am able to have everything I want and when things start to fall apart or I don't get what I want... I can't handle it... emotionally, even though from the outside, I seem perfectly collected.

I get way too bored easily. And make really stupid decisions aka I do some really dumb shit. I resort to being out of control--interested in doing things that can get me in trouble. I get bored with life. I just like to amuse myself... and try acid or something. haha

Pure self-hatred.

mrs. oh my god that girl's shameless.

1. I'm going to be so fucking academic next semester.
2. I'm not going to go out on Thursday nights.
3. I'm going to go to bed earlier, as in 12am.
   
4. I will live in the library.
5. I need to get an internship in the summer.
6. And, I will most likely be taking classes.
7. Fuck me so badly.
8. Oh, and boy sucks.

I went to bed at 12pm today. And I woke up at like 10pm. My sleeping schedule is so fucked up. I love winter break.

ps: Oh and, I love my drunk asshole friends who try to facebook message the boy I like. Not funny. True story.

you can stand under my turkey.

I really enjoy Thanksgiving and even though (for the sake of generalizing) it's lost all meaning, I still manage to sit with my cup of tea, a cigarette (in my dreams, I'm at home), my macbook, and reflect on what I love about my life or the wonderfulness that lessens the horribleness in my life just a little bit.

1. My Uggs- classic short in chocolate. Seriously, the only reason why I love these fucks is because when it's a chilly (usually hungover) morning, I can slip these on and walk to my class. Lehigh is just that much better when you're on my feet. And football games. Well, Lehigh/Laf, you've managed to do your job. Honestly, the marginal utility that I get from you. That satisfaction is worth the $119.95 price.

2. Vanessa and Debra for teaching me the Soulja Boy dance. Honestly, no frat party OR ANY PARTY FOR THAT MATTER is a party without some asshole cranking that shit on loud. Yes, ma'am, I sure would like to "superman that ho."

3. Whowhatweardaily.com Seriously. LOVE this place. I look forward to their newsletters everyday! What they wore esp. I found out that Lilo ows a lot of the same stuff that I own. Plus, Peaches G is my fav. God love yah!

4. Gossip Girl. Blair is UES chic in a heartbeat. I grew up with girls like this. I'm best friends with a Nate, but truthfully I love the assholes. Chuck Bass if my type of guy. You and your scarves tease me. Honestly, I think this is going to be bigger than The O.C. because atleast the writers have a plot to which they can sort of follow. The O.C. was just a huge plot mess. AND HANDS DOWN, THE CLOTHES ARE SO MUCH BETTER ON GG. Plus, it's really cute when you see everyone referring to each other by their initials.

5. Life. And the miraculous privileges and opportunities it offers you. With that said, I leave you with pictures from this past weekend aka Lehigh/Laf.

Gossip Girl is watching,
xoxo j

you can be my new black kate moss tonight.

One of my favorite bloggers, Susana from The Stiletto Effect tagged me to "post 8 facts about yourself/things you love." And obviously you know how I'm never a person to pass up talking about myself... and this is obviously no exception. lol

1. I am absolutely obsessed with Lilo aka Miss. Lindsay Lohan. I don't think there is anyone else living on this world who can look so damn hot with blonde, brunette, black, or red hair. Seriously, she's gorgeous! I fully supported her during her post Mean Girls "plump" and pre "It Girl" party girl to BFFL with Paris and Nicole, her DUI rehabs, and her love for cocaine. Honestly, I will admit that I would trade lives with her in a second. Plus, she has such great fashion and style sense. Ugh. She's just so classy~

2. I've been featured on Mark Hunter's thecobrasnake two times while in California. They are currently my claim to fame slash my greatest achievements to date. Obviously, I'm not being that serious, but it's pretty fucking awesome to be featured on something that has changed the world through the way in which we view entertainment. His work, I believe, has huge influence over fashion and that usually underground aspect of club/scene/LA/NYC/Japan nightlife that most people who aren't a part of, fail to see. In ~that world~ I'm someone completely different than a regular college student. It's pretty fucking ridiculous, and the ecstasy high, isn't that bad either. Being a pretentious LA hipster is ballin'.

3. I am the "perfect cookie cutter rock fan" as told by a random frat boy. I mean, isn't that where you find the most honest opinions of you? When you're standing next to a gin bucket, about to have a chug-off? What a night. Anyways, as intoxicated as I was, I was still highly insulted that he called me that. I mean, music is music, and when someone tells you that the music you like is "so typical" of other people slash everyone else, what are you to say? No I don't go on last.fm, click on similar artist and force myself to listen to those artists because they're widely acclaim. Ew, fuck no. But, this brings me up to something I've been raving about. Radiohead. Most of you guys should know that Radiohead's In Rainbow was a pick your own price download. Honestly the best social experiment ever. Greenwood stated candidly, "It's fun to make people stop for a few seconds and think about what music is worth, that's just an interesting question to ask people." What price do you put on music made by the best band in the world?

4. I hate beer. 'nough said.

5. Bill Watterson is a genius. Calvin and Hobbes is undoubtedly the best comic strip ever. What's said is that there are hundreds of comic strips out there, and maybe like four are actually good. Thankfully, I have his wit and dry humor evidenced on my book shelf. Yes, I have all his collector editions books. Calvin's a smart boy but only chooses to be an asshole. (My kind of man.) What makes Calvin and Hobbes the best is the ability to make you laugh your ass off. It's so honest and relative. Moreover, what makes it fantastic is its ability to evoke emotions that seem so far-fetched from just a simple comic strip. Need proof? Here. I did that with my Macbook really quickly, read across. Pure genius.

6. I wish I was taller. 5'7" to be accurate. As a result, I mastered high-heels in fifth grade. Seriously, four-inch heels are nothing out of the usual. I'm usually that asshole who no matter what occasion, decides to wear heels. See me shopping for groceries (which I so don't) but if you happen to, I'm wearing heels. Please, give me my Manolos or Jimmy Choos any day. Flats are for pussies. And plus, they make your legs look SO sexual. I mean, who really wants to pass up extremely sexy legs? Be warned, I love my shoes.

7. I love giving people nicknames and quoting from movies. Mean Girls is usually the typ. But, anything goes. "Cady, will you please tell him his hair looks sexy pushed back?"

8. So lame, I know. But I'm obsessed with blogging. This, is of course, considering I skipped all my classes on Friday and instead, started this entry. And, I've just gotten back from a Corporate Hoes and Ceo's frat party... smoked cloves for the first time (thanks L) and got wicked drunk. Typical. I'm on my Macbook finishing my entry. That's some damn mother effing dedication folks. But you know, I wouldn't have it any other way...

Good night, I really need to pass out.

what if you change it back?

I promise I'll update real soon guys. It's just been way too hectic. But I'm loving the shopping I've been doing. Not so much school tho.

just call me paris and hold your flash.

Call it karma or bad luck, but something's wrong. I feel my world is not in balance and I can't put my finger on why. I can't shake this feeling... it's been going for a while and it's driving me nuts. I just keep on getting fucked over/screwed etc. This is just not fair WHAT THE FUCK.

It's just rediculous. I've become so damn nice and everything this semester. Been the perfect person and stuff. But seriously everything's is just out of place. Life is just screwing me so badly. And it just sucks. On top if it... I just want to puke my brains out. And I look like shit and I like a boy.

I applied online for a job/internship this weekend at Nordstroms one at Anthropologie. I got called by Nordstroms today, she left a vm. But yeah, apparently the internship is for people entering their senior year. Which she so mentioned was 'their fault' and that I should call her. Fuck! But yeah, I guess I'll just get a sales job there. And I'm def taking courses to get ahead with my major. This summer is going to be interesting. I'm sort of excited.

Why am I dealing with this shit? Just suck it up ok. Three more years of just working your ass off, 3 more years before you're out of PA, and 3 more years before you get your dream job. And hopefully go to grad school at Upenn.

she's buying a stairway to heaven.

rest in peace 3/16/2007

If I could tell the world just one thing it would be that we're all okay. And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful and useless in times like these. - Jewel

I grew up with you taking care of me, even though you where the one who really need to be looked after. Our roles always managed to switch as I always seemed to be the one who looked after everyone else. I loved going to places with you beacuse you where always so generous and always looked at the good in people. You gave everyone the benefit of the doubt and I was always so skeptical about this. Your love for gambling rubbed off on me. You where always so strong and full of life. You spoiled me with your attention and, not surpisingly, I would get frustrated, annoyed, and perhaps took you for granted.

There was some much more ahead for you to see: to see me grow up, to see me accomplish all my life's goals, and for me to eventually find myself. Everything I do now, it is for you and you're always in my thoughts. You stood up for me when I was pushed by other influences and when I was making some bad decisions. And for this, I thank you. You're my angel. I miss you and love you terribly.

ego's attempt to make it all clean and nice.

So today roughly 6pm I signed away my soul for $515.

Fuck, I really want to puke. Stress=massive amounts of coffee and no food. I really don't feel well. My stomach hurts. Hopefully I'll pass out by the end of these next 2 weeks.

you really understand boundaries.

"But, babe, guys are always going to be there. This school isn't. It's more important. It has to be more important. You will kick your own butt later if you blow this." - GG

give me a reason to break the tradition.

I always fall back to saying that everything happens for a reason. And most of the time, I don't believe this. I just say it for the sake of thinking that maybe, everything does work out in the end. But it is conforting to make yourself believe in it. This so doesn't make any sense, but whatevs.

"When the world zigs, I zag." - Seth Cohen, The O.C.
It's true, I finally zagged for the first time in my life. And you know what? I think I grew up a little today. :)

let's find a bar so dark we forget who we are.

So today was the worst day of my life. Pathetic, I know. And the funny thing is when I look back 30 years from now, I'll probably laugh. (Well, let's hope so.) Who knows? But for now, this sucks so fucking much. I don't think I've ever felt so heartbroken in my life.

And on top of that, I'm just wasting my life away. NYFW is February 2-9 and I might and/or had a slight opportunity to volunteer for IMG. Well maybe I'm pushing reality a little bit / a lot. But obviously even if I had this chance, I couldn't do it. And well this got me thinking...

I've always admired people who take huge risks. You know, for example's sake, people who are so set on something. This "freedom:" drop out of college, move to the city, get a job, try to mingle with the right people to "get noticed" / break into the business, live pennyless, ETC.

All I want to do is learn all I can about fashion. It's probably the only thing I care about. Now, what can I do about it? Absolutely nothing...

just a little insight won't make this right.

I'm heading back to Lehigh tomorrow morning for rush. Let's just say, it's going to be interesting to say the least. OH! I got my haircut, it's absolutely awful. And those who saw it... eck much? Hopefully it'll grow out? I finally went shopping today, not very productive though. But I realized how it is SO EASY to just blow a grand at any second. I really need to get a job for the sake of learning how hard it is to make money.

18? days DOES NOT qualify as a winter break. It just wasn't enough. I didn't accomplish everything I wanted to. Although I must admit, I am pretty sastisfied/self-fulfilled with the stuff I actually did.

Why can't we just live like this forever? No school. No worries. No jobs. No worries. Eat. Drink. Sleep. Play.

I wish I was in LA with ck. :(

and another chance to make it right.

I've missed you all? hah. I doubt anyone's reads this anyway except passerby-ers? Let's just say I've been busy/lazy. But, for those who know me, something has terribly gone wrong. I haven't been in ANY MOOD to go shopping. I just don't want to for some reason? I don't want to buy anything, but I know I'm in a desperate need for a new wardrobe. Fucked up, I know.

Anyway, I've been defunked into the most not normal sleeping patterns this whole break. I basically go to sleep at 5 in the morning, and wake up a little before 6pm. 4pm if I'm lucky. I have officially become nocturnal. And, also, what's up with the no snow lately? I haven't even been able to wear my sweet boots that I brought for the snowy weather.

Here's to a New Year!

there would be only one thing worse.

So I've decided that I'm going be very productive this break. Yeah, considering that I have til Janurary 9th to accomplish all this stuff, it's going to be quite a feat.

• haircut
• dye hair ? (jet black or darkdark brown)
  
• mani & pedi
• eyebrows waxed
• tanning ? NOT WORTH POSSIBLY BECOMING AN ORANGE LOBSTER
  
• work out / run
• eat healthy
  
• hang out w/ sara & others
  
• buy some cute clothes & accessories
• go to costco & get photos printed
• buy Grey's Anatomy Season 1 DVD for jw
  
• go to the library & borrow books to read
  
• catch up on my magazines
• watch movies that I've been meaning to watch

Hm, seems pretty complete. Anyway I'm officially done with my first semester at Lehigh. It sort of feels good, actually not really. There's so much that I should have done. Ever since I've been back my mom constantly nags me, "Oh if you don't get all A's." It just doesn't stop. Seriously, I didn't get all A's in high school, what legit assumption does she have to make that I will now? But, really, I do want to do well at Lehigh. I just don't know what happened. Actually that's a lie, I do. (I think?)