you smile like a saint, but you curse like a sailor.

Let's be honest, it's already hitting me. I really can't stay in Pennsylvania for more than 2 months without going insane. I'm already bored. Sean says it's the drugs that's gotten me so jittery. I say it's just the glamor I so desperately seek in my life ...in Bethlehem, PA.

I'm starting to think that I'm never going to find someone who I'm going be in love with for the rest of my life. I think that ship has sailed. I fall out of love just as easy as I fall into it.

I say, "I love you" way too much that it's lost all it's meaning. I say it to people I've just met for 5 seconds. And I don't see the difference between true true love and a love for a best friend. It hasn't been distinguishable to me. I prefer friends over lovers. And I've manged to make all my possible suitors into my very very good friends.

I like it when people like me. But when someone makes a move, I just avoid them and run like crazy in the opposite direction... like I'm not interested. And then I get confused to why I'm not in a serious relationship. Maybe my views on relationships are written all over my face.

Spring break. Please.

'cause you're, like, the coolest person I've ever met, and you don't even have to try, you know.

Permanent vacation or am I just running away from life. Peter Pan Syndrome. I started spring semester this week so enthusiastically and excited but still subconsciously want to drop out because I can't stay in PA for longer then a month without losing my mind. I consistently search for new friends that are amazing, fun, real, simple and contribute to me being a better person. Life is all about learning (right?) you never stop.

I have a ritual of caring/obsessing way too much about what people think of me, and as a result, end up basically hating myself for every little thing that I do. I absolutely refuse to fail at anything because I'm terrified of letting people see me fuck up. The daydreamer in me is always optimistic, but I'm always consciously aware of reality, and there-lack-of.

I don't trust many people because I hate it when someone has power over me. That's why I act so exclusive half the time. I don't accept new people into my group or whatever. I am always the one who is stubborn and will most likely still be bff with the people I grew up with. I believe in loyalty til death. But it doesn't mean I don't have many acquaintances or people who think they're better friends with me than they really are.

I think my personality is self-destructive. I am able to have everything I want and when things start to fall apart or I don't get what I want... I can't handle it... emotionally, even though from the outside, I seem perfectly collected.

I get way too bored easily. And make really stupid decisions aka I do some really dumb shit. I resort to being out of control--interested in doing things that can get me in trouble. I get bored with life. I just like to amuse myself... and try acid or something. haha

Pure self-hatred.