you smile like a saint, but you curse like a sailor.

Let's be honest, it's already hitting me. I really can't stay in Pennsylvania for more than 2 months without going insane. I'm already bored. Sean says it's the drugs that's gotten me so jittery. I say it's just the glamor I so desperately seek in my life ...in Bethlehem, PA.

I'm starting to think that I'm never going to find someone who I'm going be in love with for the rest of my life. I think that ship has sailed. I fall out of love just as easy as I fall into it.

I say, "I love you" way too much that it's lost all it's meaning. I say it to people I've just met for 5 seconds. And I don't see the difference between true true love and a love for a best friend. It hasn't been distinguishable to me. I prefer friends over lovers. And I've manged to make all my possible suitors into my very very good friends.

I like it when people like me. But when someone makes a move, I just avoid them and run like crazy in the opposite direction... like I'm not interested. And then I get confused to why I'm not in a serious relationship. Maybe my views on relationships are written all over my face.

Spring break. Please.

'cause you're, like, the coolest person I've ever met, and you don't even have to try, you know.

Permanent vacation or am I just running away from life. Peter Pan Syndrome. I started spring semester this week so enthusiastically and excited but still subconsciously want to drop out because I can't stay in PA for longer then a month without losing my mind. I consistently search for new friends that are amazing, fun, real, simple and contribute to me being a better person. Life is all about learning (right?) you never stop.

I have a ritual of caring/obsessing way too much about what people think of me, and as a result, end up basically hating myself for every little thing that I do. I absolutely refuse to fail at anything because I'm terrified of letting people see me fuck up. The daydreamer in me is always optimistic, but I'm always consciously aware of reality, and there-lack-of.

I don't trust many people because I hate it when someone has power over me. That's why I act so exclusive half the time. I don't accept new people into my group or whatever. I am always the one who is stubborn and will most likely still be bff with the people I grew up with. I believe in loyalty til death. But it doesn't mean I don't have many acquaintances or people who think they're better friends with me than they really are.

I think my personality is self-destructive. I am able to have everything I want and when things start to fall apart or I don't get what I want... I can't handle it... emotionally, even though from the outside, I seem perfectly collected.

I get way too bored easily. And make really stupid decisions aka I do some really dumb shit. I resort to being out of control--interested in doing things that can get me in trouble. I get bored with life. I just like to amuse myself... and try acid or something. haha

Pure self-hatred.

just call me paris and hold your flash.

Call it karma or bad luck, but something's wrong. I feel my world is not in balance and I can't put my finger on why. I can't shake this feeling... it's been going for a while and it's driving me nuts. I just keep on getting fucked over/screwed etc. This is just not fair WHAT THE FUCK.

It's just rediculous. I've become so damn nice and everything this semester. Been the perfect person and stuff. But seriously everything's is just out of place. Life is just screwing me so badly. And it just sucks. On top if it... I just want to puke my brains out. And I look like shit and I like a boy.

I applied online for a job/internship this weekend at Nordstroms one at Anthropologie. I got called by Nordstroms today, she left a vm. But yeah, apparently the internship is for people entering their senior year. Which she so mentioned was 'their fault' and that I should call her. Fuck! But yeah, I guess I'll just get a sales job there. And I'm def taking courses to get ahead with my major. This summer is going to be interesting. I'm sort of excited.

Why am I dealing with this shit? Just suck it up ok. Three more years of just working your ass off, 3 more years before you're out of PA, and 3 more years before you get your dream job. And hopefully go to grad school at Upenn.

doctor to shake a waking nightmare.

I'm dreading these next two weeks. I've been extra overly-anal about it, making up 3982394 schedules of days by the hour. Yes. That's me! Anyway, if there is someone out there who wants me to succeed in life this greater power better make sure that I make it through. I just want time to stop so I can seriously fix up all the broken things in my life. And that does include cleaning my insanely messy room. Anal/OCD isn't really a good shade for me. GBYE SANITY.

Went to the mall on Sat with dh, is, and lw... it was pretty fun spending the whole day with them. Got shittarted as ac uses it. Earlier that day we where doing the whole p-thing. Drama unfolded, yet again. Didn't make the dance team tryouts on Sun- but that just enforces the fact that I'm an ex-ballerina circa 6 years. But... I am looking foward to Sat as hopefully it will be a good night/time. Still debating the Nicole Miller dress/wanting to go back to the mall/knowing I should spend that time studying for exams.

But, in all this chaos, let us not remember the "good ole days." Oh President's Day weekend '06, how do I miss you. RIP. Yes, I'll be thinking about you. There's always next year? I'll probably make another post regarding this... but honestly, IT'S FUNNY HOW MUCH THINGS CHANGE IN A YEAR. I'm so sad about this- it just sucks so much. And everything else is just going downhill.

ps: And yet another reason why it sucks to be attending university in Bethlehem, PA.
1) freezing cold temperature 2) wind that never gives up 3) absolutely no snow days 4) classes still held during four o'clock exams 5) missing hitting the la scene 6) not getting photographed

echoes of angels who won't return.

There's nothing like missing Chinese food and going to UC to buy their American style greasy/oily overly sauced sesame chicken and fried rice. But, what made it pretty sweet was the lovely fortune cookie. Flashbacks to The Simpsons with Homer being employeed as a fortune cookie writer and sitting with a huge typewriter with every Chinese character. Oh, good times.

If you know where the title is from, seriously best forgotten teenybopper. Moving on... much to my dismay, I will not be going to Boston for president's weekend. Sucks. I'm so bummed out. But, I guess there's other things to look foward to. YAY 4o'clock exams!

I'm finally going shopping since like the beginning of January. I'm excited, not going to lie. Even though the Lehigh Valley Mall sucks (even compared to Willowbrooke). There's an Abercrombie, so it's not the complete ghetto? hah. I'm seriously keeping it low key.

ps: For the previous post, I was going to do pictures, but that involved me using photoshop and actually putting effort into the design. Take my word for it.

or did she ever really matter?

So today I had my last cup of Starbucks. I really am going to stop drinking coffee because 1) I've either become immune to the caffeine or 2) it just screws me up.

I had to force myself to go to class today. I love how I just wear sweats now, so badass right? My room's a mess and I'm too lazy actually to do laundry. It's not turn into a huge bet to see how long it will last. I guess I'll do it tomorrow. Lately I've become way overstressed/scheduled. The whole p-thing is taking it's toll on me. I just hate not being in control over stuff I want to do and etc.

Fuck not attending college in NYC... I want to go to Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week so damn badly but I can't miss classes. What sucks even more is that the shows I want to see are all during the weekdays (ie: de la Renta 2/5, Zac Posen 2/8). And Marc Jacobs is sopposed to be doing a private showing, to which I'll be missing out. Completely not cool. We'll see scheduling. And there's also the whole PresDay weekend: Boston, MA or Bethlehem, PA?