we won't stop until somebody calls the cops.

Life's been such a hot mess. I feel like I'm in one of those drug commercials. You know the one where the guy is standing in his bedroom and everything is happening around him. He's in a daze, but somehow, life is still going on.

That's me right now.

Half the crap that's going on around me seems worthless for me to bother with. I'm barely managing to get anything worth-while done. I just want to get the fuck out of Lehigh and be done with college. I'm so over it.

I just don't care. No. Screw that. I do care. But. It's complicated??

Also what the hell is up with Lehigh being ranked #1 in the country in Accounting? Thanks a lot. That helps me so much with my Finance and SCM degree. Ugh, why do I suck at life? More importantly, why do I suck so much at accounting. I mean, there would absolutely be no question to me majoring in it, if I was good. It wouldn't phase me a bit even if I absolutely hated it. #1 ranking is still a #1 ranking. But nope. Not only do I hate it, I also suck at it. haha I guess that solves my question of ever being an accounting major. Boo on not getting my $45+ grand worth of a Lehigh business degree.

mrs. oh my god that girl's shameless.

1. I'm going to be so fucking academic next semester.
2. I'm not going to go out on Thursday nights.
3. I'm going to go to bed earlier, as in 12am.
   
4. I will live in the library.
5. I need to get an internship in the summer.
6. And, I will most likely be taking classes.
7. Fuck me so badly.
8. Oh, and boy sucks.

I went to bed at 12pm today. And I woke up at like 10pm. My sleeping schedule is so fucked up. I love winter break.

ps: Oh and, I love my drunk asshole friends who try to facebook message the boy I like. Not funny. True story.

hopefully paris will change your life too.

So while doing the usual --let's look at everyone's away message slash AIM profile while I'm bored-- I realized I had to stop studying for finals. (Even though, I do believe I stopped studying today at like 2pm.) Seriously, don't be modest AKA LIE and tell me you don't AIM stalk too. Everyone does it, we're in the post-facebook stalker era. You know, when we all have to keep tabs on everyone else. Now, this brought me to a conclusion...

I find it a little bit funny that after four years of Lehigh, I will promise you that I won't be doing anything with my intended major. Now, you say... Wall Street. Who doesn't want to be on Wall Street? I mean that's a nice elite place and all, but I doubt I'll be there. Not because of "smarts," but pure lack of interest. I mean, I'm interested in the ~financials~, but not merely enough to devote my life to... aka looking at an updating clicker every 5 minutes.

I'm most likely going to be doing the shit what I'm doing now. Playing beruit at frat houses? Getting drunk off of L's gin buckets? Living in Uggs? Telling people what to buy. Blogging, for a living? Maybe it's not the $45,000+ dollar tuition a year I'm paying for out of my inheritance right now that is paying itself out in my Lehigh education. Maybe that $45,000 is paying for all the experiences I'm getting right now:

Learning how to make last cup.
Learning how the fuck to deal with girls.
Learning the difference between boyfriends and assholes.
Learning who my real friends are.
Learning to forgive and let go.
Still yet to learn how to pump my own gas.

Life is what I'm paying for. New experiences is what I'm paying for. I mean, it does make for a better entry, right? I think that the people who are most successful are the people who are genuinely happy. I really want to be one of those lucky assholes.

recap: The Hills finale sucked balls. No lie. But Lisa Love was refreshing, "It's my favorite city in the world. I ran away from home when I was 15 to go to Paris; it changed my life. Hopefully it'll change your life too. It's just magical. It's just a level of sophistication that you've never seen before. I think it'll be an incredibly inspiring trip for you." God love yah. Fucking FIERCE.

up in the gym just working on my fitness.

I've always found it so interesting to ask why and when people started their bad habits. That said, I'm referring more specifically to smoking cigarettes. I remember sitting in fifth grade and having Officer Bob come in for those D.A.R.E programs... you know how it goes.

Say no to drugs.
Smoking kills.
Cocaine is bad.
Don't smoke pot.

But D.A.R.E. was a great first plunge into the "badness" of drugs. I think there should always be public funding for that program because it's good. I mean, I obviously can't argue the fact that smoking cigs are bad. But there's that superiority complex that I (and most people) have. "Oh, yes I smoke, but I'm not addicted!" And this brings me up to the funny and oh-so-lame story about why/when I started smoking.

I went to California for Spring Break, went to a club, saw some really badass looking people smoking. I mean, everyone who is anything smoked. These people where wearing pink tights, Milly tops, and carrying Chanel bags. That was the ~allure~ like a social status. Holding a Marlboro Light in between your index and middle finger, slowing moving it towards your mouth, inhaling, moving your hand, and exhaling. It's just such a sensual movement. And so classy.

Many people are surprised when they see me light up.
I consider myself a social smoker. You know, someone offers me a cig, I accept and smoke with them. I keep a pack on me nowadays, but I never smoke by myself. I mean, it took me a year to actually buy a pack for myself.

So when I smoke, I know that I'm doing something really bad for myself, but again, that complex just kicks in. "I'm not addicted. I'm a social smoker. I have will power so I won't be one of those people who smokes a pack a day. It's for fun. I just like the feel of it." All of which seem like pretty big flags for someone who is addicted. But, honestly, I'm not addicted to the nicotine just the appeal that I think it brings.

And that thing, that thing that I've scumbled to is the main thing to which I believe despite D.A.R.E.'s great presence in schools today, there's still a huge flaw. Teenage smoking is increasing in prevailing numbers. What's wrong with those D.A.R.E programs is that they aren't there to tell you that you don't or you won't feel just "that much cooler" by smoking a cigarette.

Sure it's bad, but what business gets done over eating a stick of celery?

a weight is lifted on this evening.

Long overdue. A bad drunk finally occurs at the perfect timing! First week. Smack right early in the year. It's just so simple keeping everything boggled together. Less conflict. Less confrontation.

I DO try my very best and "sacrifice." But what do I get in return? It sucks that I think of this and have these feelings but, I'm stretched too thin. All I want to do is go peace out and leave and just go somewhere else. And that's not even an option.

I just don't trust them. Yet. I don't want to give them a chance to prove themselves right or wrong. It's a pretty ridiculous thing to say, and I'm sorry about it. But, whatever. What's done is done. And what I feel is more important that what the hell people think. There's a few people that I absolutely would love to be all ~*bffl*~ with.

And.
I've.
Tried.

But, I put more into it than I get back. Actually, I don't think I get anything much back? A conversation during dinner? WHEE!

I think I'm being taken advantage of.
I'm selfish.
Thank you and goodbye.

i want to read good news, good news.

1. FINISH MY PAPER
2. PROOFREAD IT
3. PROOFREAD THREE OTHERS
4. WRITE A INTRO AND CONCLUSION
5. ADD IN TRANSITIONAL SENTENCES WHERE NECESSARY
6. MAKE A POWERPOINT
7. STUDY FOR CHINESE EXAM TOMORROW
8. STUDY FOR ENVIROSCI EXAM THURSDAY
9. GET SHITFACED ON THURSDAY, 4PM BC I DID WELL ON ALL MY ACADEMIC STUFF THIS WEEK.
10. OR GET SHITFACED TO FORGET HOW BADLY OF A FAILURE I AM.

PS: MOM 2, JESS 4!

but you don't know which page to turn to?

Spring break has come and gone. So much for my high hopes of catching up on school work. haha. I guess that's what today is for. I'm back at Lehigh and not liking how my college years will be jipped because of Lehigh's inability to give us more days off. Seriously, not cool.

Had a lot of fun. And became nocturnal as usual: get home at 5am, wake up at 5pm, and repeat. Oh man. Most people where still at school, but had fun at fit and others. Spent Fri and Sat with some high school kids at a "random hotel in dirty jerz." hah. And other unspeakable things.

One day back and I'm already off to a bad start. So much for not freaking out about this semester. Holy crap, I already have my envirosci exam next week. And then, econ and info system exams following. I am so not on top of things and from the looks of it, this is going to be pretty shitty.

ps: I'm never going to forget this past week. Sm, I miss you. Snort Blow 07=Poor life decisions.