so let's get a closer now.

If there is one thing I've learned this year (most esp these past few months)... it's that life is too short to be unhappy. With circumstances beyond my control, I think I've managed to make myself think the worst in every person and/or situation I come across. I'm guilty of continuously over-analyzing people and situations. I come to conclusions about people I barely know. I have this problem with letting people get close to me. I just assume they have the worst intentions. I'm fairly distant and I just hate change.

That said.

I've always tried to live my life based on "being chill and laid back" and going with the flow, etcetc. And always keeping in clear view my morals, priorities, and future aspirations. Lately, it seems as if I've lost sight on that and I've fallen guilty to having a really shitty thought process. It was to the extent of which I thought everything was a joke. Ugh, I have to stop being a fucking spoiled princess.

Dear 2008,
I'm going to be happy.
Sincerely,
Me

hopefully paris will change your life too.

So while doing the usual --let's look at everyone's away message slash AIM profile while I'm bored-- I realized I had to stop studying for finals. (Even though, I do believe I stopped studying today at like 2pm.) Seriously, don't be modest AKA LIE and tell me you don't AIM stalk too. Everyone does it, we're in the post-facebook stalker era. You know, when we all have to keep tabs on everyone else. Now, this brought me to a conclusion...

I find it a little bit funny that after four years of Lehigh, I will promise you that I won't be doing anything with my intended major. Now, you say... Wall Street. Who doesn't want to be on Wall Street? I mean that's a nice elite place and all, but I doubt I'll be there. Not because of "smarts," but pure lack of interest. I mean, I'm interested in the ~financials~, but not merely enough to devote my life to... aka looking at an updating clicker every 5 minutes.

I'm most likely going to be doing the shit what I'm doing now. Playing beruit at frat houses? Getting drunk off of L's gin buckets? Living in Uggs? Telling people what to buy. Blogging, for a living? Maybe it's not the $45,000+ dollar tuition a year I'm paying for out of my inheritance right now that is paying itself out in my Lehigh education. Maybe that $45,000 is paying for all the experiences I'm getting right now:

Learning how to make last cup.
Learning how the fuck to deal with girls.
Learning the difference between boyfriends and assholes.
Learning who my real friends are.
Learning to forgive and let go.
Still yet to learn how to pump my own gas.

Life is what I'm paying for. New experiences is what I'm paying for. I mean, it does make for a better entry, right? I think that the people who are most successful are the people who are genuinely happy. I really want to be one of those lucky assholes.

recap: The Hills finale sucked balls. No lie. But Lisa Love was refreshing, "It's my favorite city in the world. I ran away from home when I was 15 to go to Paris; it changed my life. Hopefully it'll change your life too. It's just magical. It's just a level of sophistication that you've never seen before. I think it'll be an incredibly inspiring trip for you." God love yah. Fucking FIERCE.

you can be my new black kate moss tonight.

One of my favorite bloggers, Susana from The Stiletto Effect tagged me to "post 8 facts about yourself/things you love." And obviously you know how I'm never a person to pass up talking about myself... and this is obviously no exception. lol

1. I am absolutely obsessed with Lilo aka Miss. Lindsay Lohan. I don't think there is anyone else living on this world who can look so damn hot with blonde, brunette, black, or red hair. Seriously, she's gorgeous! I fully supported her during her post Mean Girls "plump" and pre "It Girl" party girl to BFFL with Paris and Nicole, her DUI rehabs, and her love for cocaine. Honestly, I will admit that I would trade lives with her in a second. Plus, she has such great fashion and style sense. Ugh. She's just so classy~

2. I've been featured on Mark Hunter's thecobrasnake two times while in California. They are currently my claim to fame slash my greatest achievements to date. Obviously, I'm not being that serious, but it's pretty fucking awesome to be featured on something that has changed the world through the way in which we view entertainment. His work, I believe, has huge influence over fashion and that usually underground aspect of club/scene/LA/NYC/Japan nightlife that most people who aren't a part of, fail to see. In ~that world~ I'm someone completely different than a regular college student. It's pretty fucking ridiculous, and the ecstasy high, isn't that bad either. Being a pretentious LA hipster is ballin'.

3. I am the "perfect cookie cutter rock fan" as told by a random frat boy. I mean, isn't that where you find the most honest opinions of you? When you're standing next to a gin bucket, about to have a chug-off? What a night. Anyways, as intoxicated as I was, I was still highly insulted that he called me that. I mean, music is music, and when someone tells you that the music you like is "so typical" of other people slash everyone else, what are you to say? No I don't go on last.fm, click on similar artist and force myself to listen to those artists because they're widely acclaim. Ew, fuck no. But, this brings me up to something I've been raving about. Radiohead. Most of you guys should know that Radiohead's In Rainbow was a pick your own price download. Honestly the best social experiment ever. Greenwood stated candidly, "It's fun to make people stop for a few seconds and think about what music is worth, that's just an interesting question to ask people." What price do you put on music made by the best band in the world?

4. I hate beer. 'nough said.

5. Bill Watterson is a genius. Calvin and Hobbes is undoubtedly the best comic strip ever. What's said is that there are hundreds of comic strips out there, and maybe like four are actually good. Thankfully, I have his wit and dry humor evidenced on my book shelf. Yes, I have all his collector editions books. Calvin's a smart boy but only chooses to be an asshole. (My kind of man.) What makes Calvin and Hobbes the best is the ability to make you laugh your ass off. It's so honest and relative. Moreover, what makes it fantastic is its ability to evoke emotions that seem so far-fetched from just a simple comic strip. Need proof? Here. I did that with my Macbook really quickly, read across. Pure genius.

6. I wish I was taller. 5'7" to be accurate. As a result, I mastered high-heels in fifth grade. Seriously, four-inch heels are nothing out of the usual. I'm usually that asshole who no matter what occasion, decides to wear heels. See me shopping for groceries (which I so don't) but if you happen to, I'm wearing heels. Please, give me my Manolos or Jimmy Choos any day. Flats are for pussies. And plus, they make your legs look SO sexual. I mean, who really wants to pass up extremely sexy legs? Be warned, I love my shoes.

7. I love giving people nicknames and quoting from movies. Mean Girls is usually the typ. But, anything goes. "Cady, will you please tell him his hair looks sexy pushed back?"

8. So lame, I know. But I'm obsessed with blogging. This, is of course, considering I skipped all my classes on Friday and instead, started this entry. And, I've just gotten back from a Corporate Hoes and Ceo's frat party... smoked cloves for the first time (thanks L) and got wicked drunk. Typical. I'm on my Macbook finishing my entry. That's some damn mother effing dedication folks. But you know, I wouldn't have it any other way...

Good night, I really need to pass out.

he was a rebel without a cause.

It really sucks when your friends have to turn to your blog to figure out what's going on in your life. Sorry about that. School is like killing/raping/murdering me right now... it's examination week and I manage to focus my time (ie LAST NIGHT) on spring break destinations. Seriously. I've pretty much screwed up this semester and am at the point where I' m a lost cause. Right now, I'm just walking to class, sitting there and trying to stay awake, going back to my house, sleeping, and smoking my lungs out.

You know how people are like, "you usually change your major atleast once" while in school or whatever. Well, I laughed that bs off because I thought I knew since I was little what I wanted to do with my life... and apparently at Lehigh. Double major in Finance and Supply Chain Mgt. Intern at Neimans/Saks. Do editoral work for Condé Nast. Be a buyer for Bergdorf. So basically what I want to do with my life... doesn't really match up with the $45grand I'm spending at Lehigh for my degree. I mean, SCM kinda (and I'm pushing that) has to deal with buying. But there's a big dif between fashion forecasting and predicting how much steel you need for a Boeing airplane.

I might just do Supply Chain Mgt and Journalism. Or communication. I don't know yet. But, I need the Finance major or that $45grand goes for nothing. SCM is pretty much bs. It just pisses me off that I still have to suffer through shit like accounting. I mean, yes, everyone needs a general idea of what accounting is, but I spend an entire day on 5 problems. It's kind of ridiculous.

Or maybe, I should just drop out of school.
Move to NYC or LA.
Go around town on a bike and/or public transportation.
Live off my parents' money.
Do charity work by day.
At night
Smoke and become a hipster.
Get ridiculously skinny like old times by not eating.
That will be my contribution to mankind.
I'll have so much time to update my blog.

... it sure beats reading about "lehigh"

Ugh. I have to figure out my spring schedule. Not. Fun.

supersize the wisdom, hold the cholesterol.

Another day, attention ladies and gentlemen.... I'm one year older (and not far away from) graduating college, getting a job, moving out, and dare I say it, falling in love? haha. How lame and sentimental of me. But, you see, this is what becoming ~*19*~ has impart me with. I have become filled with wisdom. Actually, this concept is just taking a toll on my anxiety. Better not drink tonight.

I don't know, maybe my childhood or these past few years of me growing up has shaken me up. But in like 4 years or so I will be moving out on my own, paying my own bills and with much doubt, SUCCESSFULLY LEARN TO SAVE. What's up with that reality? This whole independent thing already is making me feel now, more than ever, how dependent I am to my parents.

Today, surprisingly enough was also my last day of my first job ever. I mean, yes it was only for the summer but still it was quite an experience. I think there's just stuff like this that you can't even put a price. An education can't replace that. Real life experiences, making mistakes and learning from them. And how ironic it was that on my birthday-- I learned something quite extraordinary....

Don't cheat.
Don't cheat yourself.
Don't cheat others.
Don't cheat life.
And most importantly, don't fake it.

Happy Birthday jess, ps: you do realize you better work your ass off these next few years. The real world's a bitch.

if you ain't got no money take yo broke ass home.

Wow, it's been a while since my last post. Not that there's really much reader following, but hey a girl can dream. lolz! Now, my freshmen year at uni is officially over. Well almost, I'm sitting in the libs right now. I'm leaving tomorrow, and still have yet to pack. Which honestly, I don't know how to begin/start/DO. Lame, I know.

These past "year" has been quite interesting. I don't even know where to being-- and honestly I think the whole experience is too "there are no words to sum up everything" because I know once I even attempt to write a whole post about the past few months, I WILL forget/leave something out. And I just don't have the patience to sort out everything.

Let's just say, it's been a soul searching worth-while trip. I've learned a lot (about myself, my friends, my relationships, etc) this year. And hopefully, I grew up a little bit. It's been painful, tough, fun, bitter-sweet. I'm going to miss this year.

ps: SCREW all my friends who went to Coachella. I guess I just don't have the balls to pull something like that off. Next year maybe? I'll work on it.

pps: I'll have a summer post next. Don't fret mates.

no answers for what was asked, you're all alone.

This weekend has probably beeen one of the hardest ever. I just want to say thank you to everyone who has been so supportive and there for me. It's tough and I'm not saying it's going to get any less 'harder.' Friday, the rain made it seem like the whole world was in mourning. Saturday, I don't know what to say... it was beautiful? and that's a stretch. Can something like that... a funeral, "a celebration of that remarkable individual" ... can that even be beautiful?

People say that time heals everything, but what is there to heal if someone isn't physically in your life everyday? What do you do with that apparent gap? Where do you go to replace that feeling? What do you do when you don't have that person you love? What do you do? What do you say? What you think? What do you feel?

You feel empty. That's for sure.

she's buying a stairway to heaven.

rest in peace 3/16/2007

If I could tell the world just one thing it would be that we're all okay. And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful and useless in times like these. - Jewel

I grew up with you taking care of me, even though you where the one who really need to be looked after. Our roles always managed to switch as I always seemed to be the one who looked after everyone else. I loved going to places with you beacuse you where always so generous and always looked at the good in people. You gave everyone the benefit of the doubt and I was always so skeptical about this. Your love for gambling rubbed off on me. You where always so strong and full of life. You spoiled me with your attention and, not surpisingly, I would get frustrated, annoyed, and perhaps took you for granted.

There was some much more ahead for you to see: to see me grow up, to see me accomplish all my life's goals, and for me to eventually find myself. Everything I do now, it is for you and you're always in my thoughts. You stood up for me when I was pushed by other influences and when I was making some bad decisions. And for this, I thank you. You're my angel. I miss you and love you terribly.

open up your eager eyes.

If there is one thing I can't stand is when other people use my stuff without asking. It's not even a fact that I'm not going to let you use it, I just want to be given the courtesy of being *asked* if you could borrow it. I don't know, maybe I'm a spoiled-selfish little brat. But, what's mine is mine, you can borrow shit, just fucking ask. /end rant

This weekend was so much fun. Friday saw a bunch of people that I actually like. Went to Cheesecake Factory where I told cj that she wouldn't be able to eat an entree and dessert. Yeah, I won. And that is why the rule is always order the desert first, than split an entree. lol. Saw sf, hj, na, dvdb, and lr. Had a really fun time catching up with all of them. Then it was way too early to get to as's house, so went to a Dunkin' Donuts run with cj and lr.

Seriously, hazelnut coffee is the shit. Had a large and that basically made my night, I went to bed at like 6am I was so hyped up from the caffeine. Too bad Lehigh doesn't sell hazelnut coffee... but yeah, I would spend way too much money on that. I already buy two cups a day here.

Then I'm too lazy/busy to go into the rest... considering I already wasted a paragraph talking about hazelnut coffee. Let's just say, it was great to be home. I do love my BARBIECO. And I'm so freaking excited/looking foward to Spring Break. :)

send me some guidance from above.

RIP The O.C.
2003-2007

Why I'm going to miss this show:

• People are always going to talk, you might as well give 'em something good to talk about. - Hands down, the best lesson I've ever learned.
• Seth Cohen - I will be comparing boys to you for the rest of my life.
• Mischa Barton's 3234 Chanel bags
• Seth + Summer / Rachel + Adam - Let's really not get started to how obsessed I am with these two. Alteast they end up together in fiction.
  
• The time when Summer's on the yacht and realizes that she likes Seth.
• Summer saying "Ew!"
• California here we come, right back where we started from.
  

you really understand boundaries.

"But, babe, guys are always going to be there. This school isn't. It's more important. It has to be more important. You will kick your own butt later if you blow this." - GG

get carried away with the process of healing.

Okay, so this is worse than PMS my emotions are so out of wack now. Yesterday I went to bed feeling okay... then throughout the night I couldn't sleep.

I've never been so heartbroken in my life. This sucks. It really does. I hate seeing everyone so damn happy. And me... feeling like absolute shit. And I'm not saying that I'm not happy for my friends, I am! But, I just look at them and then look at me... and well it just sucks so much. I can't help think that I should be happy too or that I deserve to be happy. Selfish? Yes. It's only the 2nd day of classes, and I'm not looking foward to spring semester at all.

So maybe I did grow up a little bit... but I still feel horrible. :(
I need some Marc, Miu, and Stella in my life right now...

give me a reason to break the tradition.

I always fall back to saying that everything happens for a reason. And most of the time, I don't believe this. I just say it for the sake of thinking that maybe, everything does work out in the end. But it is conforting to make yourself believe in it. This so doesn't make any sense, but whatevs.

"When the world zigs, I zag." - Seth Cohen, The O.C.
It's true, I finally zagged for the first time in my life. And you know what? I think I grew up a little today. :)