Sunday, January 27, 2008

jenny was a friend of mine.

Things seem pretty good lately. Sorry for the lack of blogging. I've been busy. Busy wasting my life away.

But, really. I've figured something out.

I used to only base my happiness on how thin my stomach felt and what the scale read and stuff and well, I mean now it's just a mix of things. I surround with people who make me happy... like v. happy. And that's good and all.

I'm sure.

But, I'm like, ugh. I'm all happy and stuff, but truthfully/deep down inside, I'm really not at all.

I need to lose like 30 lbs before I can feel any good about myself.
Get skinny or die trying, right?

Until next time-- perhaps, a few pounds lighter.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

'cause you're, like, the coolest person I've ever met, and you don't even have to try, you know.

Permanent vacation or am I just running away from life. Peter Pan Syndrome. I started spring semester this week so enthusiastically and excited but still subconsciously want to drop out because I can't stay in PA for longer then a month without losing my mind. I consistently search for new friends that are amazing, fun, real, simple and contribute to me being a better person. Life is all about learning (right?) you never stop.

I have a ritual of caring/obsessing way too much about what people think of me, and as a result, end up basically hating myself for every little thing that I do. I absolutely refuse to fail at anything because I'm terrified of letting people see me fuck up. The daydreamer in me is always optimistic, but I'm always consciously aware of reality, and there-lack-of.

I don't trust many people because I hate it when someone has power over me. That's why I act so exclusive half the time. I don't accept new people into my group or whatever. I am always the one who is stubborn and will most likely still be bff with the people I grew up with. I believe in loyalty til death. But it doesn't mean I don't have many acquaintances or people who think they're better friends with me than they really are.

I think my personality is self-destructive. I am able to have everything I want and when things start to fall apart or I don't get what I want... I can't handle it... emotionally, even though from the outside, I seem perfectly collected.

I get way too bored easily. And make really stupid decisions aka I do some really dumb shit. I resort to being out of control--interested in doing things that can get me in trouble. I get bored with life. I just like to amuse myself... and try acid or something. haha

Pure self-hatred.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

won't let us waste our lives away.

Now. The first few days aka 5 days of break consisted of me absolutely crashing from my "survive finals diet" of red bull, adderall, and diet coke. I never hit so low from anything before. Ever. It was bad. I basically passed out.

So when I finally got on track, I was slightly more productive. Okay. So you know how I had to get a new MacBook in the beg. of fall semester because I accidentally spilled diet rasberry snapple on my old lappy? Well, I didn't get the chance to upload my music. Anyways, I spent the entire semester with two albums on iTunes. B.Spears' Blackout and Radiohead's In Rainbow. Talk about a diverse collection. (And it explains why B. Spears' is #1 on my So I've been trying to sort/upload/update my iTunes library. It's fucking impossible. And I'm being all anal and trying to get the folders by Artist > Albums. Ugh. Whatever, maybe I should just stick to radiohead+b.spears?

But good things: I did a lot of great shopping in a v.short amount of time. I mean, it frightens me how quickly I can drop a grand in a matter of a few stores (3 yesterday). Talent that I'm sure my dad certainly doesn't appreciate. It's just so bad. I love it all. And everything is just so pretty and whenever I walk into Bloomingdales I'm just overwhelmed by beauty. How the counters and the floors just glisten. Beautiful. An admirer of fashion. But, it takes money to make money. Or, atleast, despite the fact, you look good. A.Wintour would approve. And we all know how appearances are so important. But, I really need to learn how to manage my finances.

Nah, I'll save that for next year.