a weight is lifted on this evening.

Long overdue. A bad drunk finally occurs at the perfect timing! First week. Smack right early in the year. It's just so simple keeping everything boggled together. Less conflict. Less confrontation.

I DO try my very best and "sacrifice." But what do I get in return? It sucks that I think of this and have these feelings but, I'm stretched too thin. All I want to do is go peace out and leave and just go somewhere else. And that's not even an option.

I just don't trust them. Yet. I don't want to give them a chance to prove themselves right or wrong. It's a pretty ridiculous thing to say, and I'm sorry about it. But, whatever. What's done is done. And what I feel is more important that what the hell people think. There's a few people that I absolutely would love to be all ~*bffl*~ with.

And.
I've.
Tried.

But, I put more into it than I get back. Actually, I don't think I get anything much back? A conversation during dinner? WHEE!

I think I'm being taken advantage of.
I'm selfish.
Thank you and goodbye.

fuck the benz, what are you a soccer mom?

So I've been back at Lehigh since this past Wednesday. And it's already been a headache. If this is any indication of the school year, I'm going to be quite upset. I don't know where to begin, but let me start by saying how much of a push over I can be.

It's say how damn hypocritical people are. I just want to move to NYC and live there.

Ugh, classes start tomorrow and I'm so nervous/anxious/scared about my classes MY MAIN PROBLEM WITH COLLEGE IS BUYING TEXTBOOKS. Seriously, you've got to be shitting me when you want me to pay $160+ for a damn book that 1. is poorly written and 2. the teacher doesn't even use. Enough of that rant, not having a car truly sucks on campus. I want to go to Philly a couple times this year. Bethlehem just isn't doing it for me. Ugh.

It's been like 5 days already and I'm sick of the drama?
But I do love the whole "getting ready" thing... new notebooks, pens, hi-lighters.

What's ridiculous is not being a freshman and having new people who think they are "the shit" and have the right to be rude/not respectful. I mean, going out and seeing freshmen girls act all high and mighty and yell back at upperclassmen. Seriously, do you really want to do that?

Ugh, people just need to get hold of themselves and not get so overboard. You're not that ~*hot*~

supersize the wisdom, hold the cholesterol.

Another day, attention ladies and gentlemen.... I'm one year older (and not far away from) graduating college, getting a job, moving out, and dare I say it, falling in love? haha. How lame and sentimental of me. But, you see, this is what becoming ~*19*~ has impart me with. I have become filled with wisdom. Actually, this concept is just taking a toll on my anxiety. Better not drink tonight.

I don't know, maybe my childhood or these past few years of me growing up has shaken me up. But in like 4 years or so I will be moving out on my own, paying my own bills and with much doubt, SUCCESSFULLY LEARN TO SAVE. What's up with that reality? This whole independent thing already is making me feel now, more than ever, how dependent I am to my parents.

Today, surprisingly enough was also my last day of my first job ever. I mean, yes it was only for the summer but still it was quite an experience. I think there's just stuff like this that you can't even put a price. An education can't replace that. Real life experiences, making mistakes and learning from them. And how ironic it was that on my birthday-- I learned something quite extraordinary....

Don't cheat.
Don't cheat yourself.
Don't cheat others.
Don't cheat life.
And most importantly, don't fake it.

Happy Birthday jess, ps: you do realize you better work your ass off these next few years. The real world's a bitch.

meet me where 8th and ocean cross.

Can I even begin to digest no pun intended how much has happened in just 4 weeks? Sorry for the long hiatus, I've been too busyLAZY! You can thank me throwing up this entire morning for actually signing onto my laptop. But I've been meaning to update... you know when something occurs and all you think is, "Where's my wireless connection? I need to put this incredibly wise, head scratcher post up."

I've gone to thinking that all this "fashion is what defines you/find your own style blahblah" … all that Vogue and TeenCosmo "style on a budget" concept that any girl can have is a load of bs. Honestly, how can an 18 year old find any practicality in fashion let alone finding your personal style? No to Abercrombie tops and Bebe capris. Maybe I'm overlooking something major and this is all just a mistake, but how can I manage to find my style and actually execute and put it together when something I want for my look is a 200 plus Marc by Marc Jacobs blouse? Yes, I'll admit, maybe it has something to do with brand snobbery, but regardless, it's your own style. And most likely, your parent's money.

Now, my whole practicality argument. Fashion for me is just not practical. Style on a budget is impossible. And, I'm not saying that I want to fill my closets up with Chanel and Phillip Lim. But it's just so hypocritical to say that to be stylish, you've got to shell out so much money. I yearn for a pair of boots that cost 290 only to which I can’t wear in college because it will be a bitch to walk to class in and even so, going out on weekends is a no-no because no one would dare wear Blahniks to a college frat party.

So where am I stuck?

get off the bandwagon.

So much for an enjoyable 4th of July weekend. haha There's nothing like getting bugspray on an entire side of your louis vuitton purse to make you freak the shit out, post on thepurseforum, and drive to 7-11 at 12am in hopes of finding non-alcoholic baby wipes.

Just for future reference, they don't sell it


... oh, and Shoprite opens at 7am.

give me something to believe in.

Sometimes I regret not going to school in nyc. Especially when it comes to some great only in New York experiences. --fashion department internship at Interview magazine... or Cosmopolitan? Wow. Seriously, I've built my door of opportunities, I'm just thousands of miles away from the building.

In these past few days, I've managed to do exceptionaly well on my Rutgers statistics midterm, make a record amount in commission at Nordstrom and be on Lehigh's dean's list for the spring 07 semester. Life is looking good despite the fact that I've scumbled to my own demons. But that's more than you need to know.

If I can make it there, I'm gonna make it anywhere.

someone who can bring me back to you.

I started crying/tearing up while working at Nordstrom today. I saw a little Asian girl with her parents and her grandmother sitting by the cafe eating. I mean, I was just watching their every action and slowly becoming so insanely jealous of that little baby. Creepy, I know, but I miss my grandmother so much.